Woody Allen Quotes
American bass guitarist
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Marriage is the death of hope.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
I am two with nature.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.