Steven Wright Quotes
Stand-up comedian
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
What a nice night for an evening.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.
How young can you die of old age?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.